Forth Side High
by cecills
Summary: The Cullens relocate to Edinburgh, Scotland. They are forced to attend Forth Side High, which is below even Emmett's standards. With free contraception for 12 year olds and signs warning the pupils with 'TIME OUTS', how will the Cullens cope?


**Hey! Okay, so this idea just came to me as I was lying in bed ill. Bah. **

**I just want to warn everyone that this is just a joke and not serious in any way. I know that this is very stereotypical. **

**And I would apologise for that... but I had too much fun writing it. And the ned is based on a certain someone I know... :P**

_Disclaimer: You all know how it goes... it doesn't make me feel any better having to say it out loud though... I DON'T OWN TWILIGHT. Not even my own copy of the book - my sister stole both of them. And my New Moon... and my friend stole my Breaking Dawn. So now all I own is a sad little copy of Eclipse, sitting next to my bed all on its lonesome._

**And on with the show! ... or fanfic. Whatever.**

Alice and the rest of the Cullens looked about disdainfully at the 'school' they were to attend in this... country. There were NHS posters hanging off of the walls, offering free contraception for anyone (under the age of twelve) that needed it; there were large scarlet signs telling the pupils that 'ALL TEACHERS DESERVE TO WORK IN A SAFE ENVIRONMENT: ANY ABUSE WILL RESULT IN AN IMMEDIATE TIME OUT'.

They looked at one another. 'Time out'? How old were these people? FIVE?

At that moment, a bell that was sounded like an air raid rang and the sounds of trainers dragging along unpolished floors and the screams of people being stabbed reached the Cullen's ears.

They looked at each other once again. Did they really want to go to a public school in Scotland? Probably not.

As the stunning group of vamps waited in the reception, they missed the commotion that was going on outside: someone had a new shell suit. The girl - dressed in this contraption of purple shiny-ness that LEFT NO FIBRES ON ANY SURFACE and bright white Nike trainers – had her hair slicked back into a high side ponytail and a side fringe that covered at least half of her face. The pupils were chanting her name:

'I-ON-A! I-ON-A! I-ON-A!' She seemed to be the most popular of them all, for some strange, unconceivable reason.

The headteacher chose this precise moment to make her entrance, slumping in the doorway as if she had just run the Great Edinburgh Marathon. Judging by the weight of her, she probably hadn't.

'Oh, hello. You are...' she looked to her receptionist, who mouthed the name to her. 'The Cullens! Oh, how nice to meet you. Um, Jasper, Alice, Rosalie, Emmett, Edward and... Bella. I have organised a tour for you with one of our prize students, Iona. You won't be in many of her classes... or any actually, but she is still an EXCELLENT representative of the school.'

Iona was the girl from outside. About fifteen years of age, she entered the room with a swagger, obviously expecting the inhabitants to start chanting her name. She looked shocked and a bit pissed off when they didn't do this and just looked her. She chewed on her bottom lip, trying to look 'well sexy'. It might've worked, if she hadn't spoken.

'Er, well, that's a classroom... and that's another one... oh! And there's the cupboard where I lost my virginity a few years ago when I was supposed to be in Maths. Fuck me, that lad was well buff.' Iona said all of this in a broad Scottish accent, and looked very impressed with herself.

As the tour continued, things went from bad to worse. Iona did not point out helpful things like the classrooms and the bathrooms, but told the bemused Cullens where the best places to 'go fagging, pal' were and where to 'have a bit a' a bang, ye ken?' without getting caught by the teachers who were too afraid to do anything about it anyway.

As the tour of Forth Side High was a sinking ship, Alice decided to ask about uniform policy. Her polite question was answered with 'What the fuck do you care about uniform anyway? Just wear a kewl Adidas tracksuit like us and you'll be well fine, pal!' Alice digested this new information quietly, struggling to find a way to make these outfits appear nice.

Forty minutes later, Alice was still struggling.

'So, what subjects are you all takin' for your Standard Grades anyway? I mean, you must be pretty fucking smart if you can just skip a whole year of school! You'd have to know everythin'. And that's well... what's tha' word? It begins with an 'I' and it ends in a... a... a 'l'. Oh! Oh! I ken! It's impossible! It's well impossible to know a'thing. Like, languages. I mean, who wants to speak them. Who the fuck wants to ken how to speak like... Spanish and shit. Like, gay much!' Iona's rant left her gasping for air. Emmett started.

'You know, Iona, smoking isn't good for your lungs. Or your heart. Or any other part of your body. It's the reason you can't talk for very long. And that you're-' Edward heard what Emmett was thinking and burst into a large fit of laughter, his guffaws echoing throughout the whole dark wood panelled hallway. Iona looked between the two brothers and was about to say something, but realised that she quite liked the look of Edward.

_Maybe we could sneak off into a cupboard later..._

Edward leant back and pulled Bella forward, pressing her into his side, obviously showing that he was taken.

_Oh, so he's got a girlfriend. Bit ugly, isn't she? He would dump her in a second for me. _

Edward shook his head, laughing to himself as he listened to her Neanderthal-like thought process.

As Iona led Rosalie, who was thinking that her life would be over if she ever had to attend this school; Emmett, who was thinking of all of the havoc he could wreak on the unsuspecting neds of Scotland; Alice, who was still pondering on how to make Adidas tracksuits look good, and failing; Jasper, who couldn't stand the place – there was way too much bloodlust for his liking, and it wasn't from the vampires; Edward, who was still laughing at Iona's ridiculous thoughts; and Bella, who was just Bella, thinking about how hot Edward would look in a shell suit like Iona's cool purple one; back to the shabby front office where the headteacher was waiting patiently for them. She looked unnecessarily excited as they rounded the corner and came into her view.

Iona was chattering on excitedly about subjects as they came into earshot of the teacher – she was listing the subjects she took, and assumed that the Cullens were actually interested.

'So, I take Maths, but only 'cause I have to. And it's Int. 1, so it doesn'ae count; English, which is such a waste a time – I speak it, don't I? Cooking, and it's so hard, pal: don't take it, whatever you do; PE, which I always skive; IT – stupid subject, I mean, who the fuck needs to ken aboot all that shit? I also take General Science which is for all the really smart people; the geniuses take separate sciences and the thickshits take... well, they take general too, but it's the smart class really. Oh! I take Int. 1 French. My expected grade is a seven, which is fuckin' amazing for me. My ma and pa are well proud: they're takin' me out to MaccyD's for tea t'night! And the last one I have to take is learning support. But all the smart 'uns have to take that: it's for extra e… e… enhancement!' In response to this Rosalie, Emmett, Jasper, Edward and Bella nodded their heads enthusiastically, waiting for the torture to end. Alice was still in a daze, attempting to make fibre-free trackies fashionable. Her motto was, after all, WHERE THERE'S A WILL THERE'S A WAY!

And she had most definitely found a way…


End file.
